Last month I wrote a post about friends being jealous of you. For whatever reason. I dealt mainly with the issue of "real life" friends because I've been in real life mode for the last couple of months.
But one day last week I decided to finally troll the blogs and see what I was missing. I'm not going to say this was a big mistake, but it was certainly an eye-opener for me and my feelings.
See, I always wanted to be published by Avon. They have a line that my books would fit into. But after a couple of rejections, and a couple more years of writing, and being on the blogs, I realized that wasn't going to happen. So I decided to self- publish.
I don't regret my decision at all. Self-publishing, albeit a decided learning curve, was the best way to go for me.
That being said, when I was cruising the blogs, I couldn't believe how many people got contracts, agents, deals that were announced in Publisher's Weekly. It was enough to make this grown woman cry. I didn't, but I sort of wanted to.
I'll admit, I'm jealous. I don't know if I would have done anything differently over the last few years. I like that I'm in control of my books. I can make corrections and revise any time I want. I can price my books any way I want. I can take them off sale if I want.
Being with a publisher, you can't do that. You get one shot to make a great story. You get one shot to impress an agent. You get one shot to promote that book and then it's over. On to the next. But you know there's someone behind you, helping you, pulling for you, making great covers for you, editing for you.
And yes, I have a great cover designer. And yes, I have beta readers and critique partners who are the bomb and totally made of win. And yes, I have friends who will listen to me whine, or congratulate me when I publish another masterpiece (lol). But, no matter what, it's still just me. I'm the woman behind the machine. If it all goes south, it's my fault.
And I think that's what I'm jealous of. If I go south, there's nobody to blame but me. If I had an agent and the shit hit the fan, I could blame her. (Because you know it wouldn't be my fault.) If the cover was lousy, I could blame the designer. If the ms. had typo's, I could blame the copywriter or the printer or whoever.
In self-publishing, there's no one to blame but yourself if you make a mistake. There's no one to blame if you don't market and promote. There's no one to blame if you have a crappy cover.
And I guess that's what I'm jealous of. I have no one to blame for my ineptness except me. That's a hard pill to swallow when you're trying to make it into the bigs.
But, I think I'll get over it. I just won't read blogs anymore. That way I won't see what my friends are doing. Yeah, sure, I'm happy for them. (Honestly.) But jealousy is an insidious monster and takes over when you're not looking. I don't want to be that way.
So, I guess I'll just Keep Calm and Carry On doing what I'm doing, writing and self-publishing.
Tell me -- Are you jealous of your writer friends who get ____________ (fill in the blank).
Robynne Rand (c) 2013